Here's my re-post of the blog entry I wrote in September after finally reeling from all the pain:
Marching On....One Step at a Time...
It's been quite some time since I've posted a race recap due to tragedy and the whirlwind that becomes your life when dealing with grief. I don't exaggerate when I say this. My life came to a screeching halt in March. My mom passed away on March 16th. I will never ever be able to erase that memory of her lying lifeless in that bright white room, tubes in her mouth and nose, the constant beeping of all the machines around her, the nurses coming in and out of the room giving us pitiful glances, and my family and I crying into each other's shoulders and consoling one another. I'll never forget that night where I was alone with my mom, slept next to her with her hand in mine, balling my eyes out, and trying to picture myself with no longer having a mom to take care of me, love me, fix me soup when I was sick, help bail me out when I needed any kind of help - all the things that a mom does for her children. It sucked. It still sucks. I miss her everyday and it reduces me to tears every time I think about it. I find myself crying now as I type.
I was in Virginia when I got the news that my mom was admitted to the hospital. I had traveled up there with the kids to visit my cousins, explore the museums and monuments, and to also run the Rock n' Roll D.C. half as part of my 3-pack Tour Pass. I had just picked up my race packet earlier that day and was preparing my gear for race morning when I got the phone call. I slept for a few hours and left early morning to head home. No one told me how bad it was because they wanted me to drive home safely with the kids. I drove straight to the hospital and entered the lobby to see all my family gathered in somber silence - all of them with puffy eyes. I knew it wasn't good and it wasn't. She was dying from septic shock and was in a coma. I stayed with her the night before she passed, kissing her forehead, holding her hand, and telling her over and over how much I love her. I know she heard me.
My life ended too...or it felt like it. It felt like I was in a haze for days, weeks. I couldn't operate like this. I went out for a run. It hurt. I hated it. I was tired, dehydrated. I went out for a run again. It sucked. I cried. I went out for a run again. It was better. I unleashed my pain on the pavement, exhaling grief and inhaling relief. I started running with CREW and Striders again, started making conversations while running again, and I started to smile again. This was truly therapy for me. Running with friends helped me get through the pain.
It's now September - half a year ago since my life was thrown upside down. I'm doing better. I still have my moments where I'm a hot mess, but I've gotten back in the running game and it's helped me get through my grief.